


Pathetic Attempts

by Otava



Category: Top Gear (UK) RPF
Genre: Art, Childish Men, Digital Art, Games, Gen, Pranks and Practical Jokes, sleeping
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-01-10
Packaged: 2018-05-12 23:12:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5684827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otava/pseuds/Otava
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jeremy falls asleep at his desk and James and Richard have a fun idea.<br/>(Basically just 959 words of them dicking around and 2 visuals to accompany it.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Pathetic Attempts

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my. I've posted an RPF. I realllly feel creepy.  
> Anyway, I have written about 10 TG fanfics in total but I haven't posted any for obvious reasons. This one is probably the worst out of all of them. I mean, it's absolutely terribly written. I'm aware. I wrote it during American Studies in one sitting.
> 
> During Christmas break I got bored and re-read through the fic and got inspired to draw some art for it. Now I feel that I have to share the monstrosity with everyone. Enjoy?

It was a lazy day at the Top Gear Office. Jeremy was in his chair, slumped over at his desk; James was eating the lunch he had brought from home in a little container and Richard was spread across the communal couch, laying down while typing away on his phone.

“Is Clarkson asleep?” asked Richard uninterested, not taking his eyes away from his screen.

“Appears so,” replied James with equal enthusiasm between a bite of food.

“Ah.” Richard said just as a light snoring sound came from from across the room in the direction of Jeremy.

“He’s really knackered, the poor old sod,” James smiled, noticing the sound of snores too.

“Old!? But you’re only 3 years younger than him!” Richard laughed.

“But it seems that 3 years makes all the difference,” grinned James. “Promise me that if in 3 years time, if i’m nodding off at work, you’ll wake me up. I can’t bear the thought of being as pathetic as Clarkson one day.”

“Clarkson really has no dignity left, has he?” asked Richard.

“Hmmm. Not exactly true.” replied James. “He could be worse off. Imagine him in 3 more years?”

“True. He’ll probably start falling asleep during meetings.”

“I’ve actually seen him do that before.”

“Do you think that we should help him out and discourage him from ever napping on the job again?” asked Richard enthusiastically.

“How so?” asked James.

“Well…. you know....like a prank or something.”

“As in?”

“Erm, What about one of those “kick me” signs.”

“I’ve never seen anyone actually use one of those in real life. Only on telly.”

“Well, now you’re going to see one in real life.” Richard stated matter-of-factly. He hopped up from the couch and made his way towards his desk where the unsuspecting Clarkson sat. Once he was there he grabbed a sticky note and a marker from the top drawer and wrote the words “kick me” in bold, black ink, peeled off the paper from the pile and was about to place it on his sleeping colleague until he paused for a second and then drew a big, hairy, ejaculating cock on another sheet of paper and stuck the 2 papers on Clarkson’s respective cheeks.

“There!” he whispered as he smiled like a 5-year-old, carefully pressing on the 2 papers again to make sure they stayed put. “I dare you to top that,” he whispered quietly to James as he backed away.

“With pleasure,” James whispered back.

He then reached out for a beanie hat he had been wearing on his head earlier that morning and skilfully slid it on Jeremy’s sleeping head. Clarkson didn’t move a muscle or even twitch. James raised a eyebrow in surprise of his own skill. “Reckon you can’t beat that.” he whispered back to Richard, inches from Clarkson’s ear.

Richard unraveled the scarf he was wearing from his neck and wrapped it rather tightly around Clarkson's neck and chin. James smiled smugly and then grabbed his empty lunch container and carefully balanced it on Clarkson’s head. Richard almost laughed out loud, but stifled it just in time. He then grabbed more sticky notes and placed rows of them all over Clarkson’s body. James helped him until almost his whole body was covered in sticky notes. His appearance looked almost like a chicken.

“Now what?” asked James when they were finished.

“Dunno. It’s your turn.” Richard said cheekily.

“Let's see now…hmmm” James then remembered a stick of unwanted lipstick left in the makeup room. “Be right back,” he said as he walked out of the room with a bit more speed than usual. Moments later he came back holding up the tube high in the air ceremoniously.

“No James! You can’t. No. No. No. He’ll murder you for sure!” hissed Richard.

“As I see it, he’s already going to murder both of us for this. We might as well go all out with this. Besides, we can't just bloody well take all of this off now. Not without waking him up, anyway..”

“I’m going to be very frightened when he wakes up but your reasoning is spot-on as always, May.”

“You know it, Hammond.” James smiled.

Carefully, James touched Clarkson’s exposed lip with the lipstick and tried to color in the shape of Jeremy’s lips. It didn't turn out as neat as he expected, it looked rather sloppy actually, so he just went with it.

“Oh Christ! That looks terrible,” Richard laughed. “He looks like the Joker!”

“He really does,” James agreed. “Not what I was going for but it works, better actually. Suits him well.”

“He probably couldn't do much better himself if he were awake, to be honest.”

“Still looks like he’s missing something though.”

“Oh! I know!” Hammond excitedly reached into his pocket and pulled out his packet of cigarettes and placed one into Jeremy’s mouth.

“Now he looks like a bloody prostitute.”

Richard was actually giggling out loud now, pleased with his addition to the living canvas.

“I think we need one more thing to make it complete,” said James.

“And what’s that?”

James just smirked and grabbed the pair of glasses which were perched on Jeremy’s desk and placed them over Jeremy’s eyes.

“It’s perfect,” Richard said in awe. “Should we take a picture for blackmail?”

“Of course,” said James.

They both took out their phones and snapped many photos of their poor colleague. They even took a few selfies for the fun of it. Clarkson just snored on, oblivious of what was taking place.

“Fancy a smoke?” James asked when they were done.

“Sure. I don’t want to be here when he wakes up.” Richard said.

10 minutes later the two heard an angry shout,“HAMMOND. MAY. WHAT HAVE YOU BLITHERING IDIOTS DONE.” 

**Author's Note:**

> I regret.


End file.
